A Modest Proposal – United Nations Edition
** This is the first in a recurring series, in which I offer some modest proposals – in the venerable tradition of Jonathan Swift – for American and international politics. **
The United Nations – that paragon of international diplomacy, antisemitism, dictator-worship, and uselessness – has been a waste of time since its inception. In Star Wars, Obi-Wan Kenobi stated, with respect to the spaceport of Mos Eisley, that “You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”; clearly, he has never seen the UN complex in Turtle Bay. Every year, thousands of foreign diplomats, including some of the planet’s most vile leaders and their toadies, descend on this unfortunate neighborhood in midtown Manhattan for a circus of the absurd. Year-round, the UN is populated by bureaucrats galore, who, when not spending their time attacking America and its allies (notably the world’s only Jewish state), squander money on idiot boondoggles, promote evil autocracies to the Human Rights Council, and publish antisemitic school textbooks for Gazan kindergartners.
The UN has failed to maintain peace, prevent genocide, and promote human dignity since its foundation, in which it was intended to do all of those things. In many cases, it has dramatically worsened the conditions it was meant to ameliorate; “peacekeepers” in Haiti caused a cholera outbreak during their daily breaks from raping locals, other UN-funded troops failed to stop genocidal massacres in Rwanda and Bosnia, and, most recently, UNRWA workers in Gaza joined with Hamas in taking Israelis hostage. For all of its failings, at least the League of Nations had the good sense to close shop after it fell on its face for two decades. The United Nations is going on 80 and it still hasn’t figured out that it causes more problems than it has ever solved. Oh, and the United States is this organization’s largest benefactor, most powerful member, and its physical host.
It’s beyond time we all said enough. Enough of the anti-Americanism. Enough of the corruption. Enough of the failure. Enough of the blithering idiocy couched in diplomat-speak. Enough of the vaunted “international community.” Enough of the United Nations. In that vein, here is my modest proposal as to how we should move forward.
First off, we must immediately cease any and all funding of this despicable institution. Next, we must evict it from its comfortable seat on the East River and boot it out of the country entirely. After that, we must leave the United Nations entirely and forswear any further entanglement with such irreparable, malign organizations in the future. But that is just the start.
The plan must be executed swiftly and decisively to have the maximum impact. Ideally, it would unfold during the General Assembly, when all of the world’s dictatorial bootlickers, Grima Wormtongues, and autocrat-whisperers make their annual appearance in New York City. Once the meeting has fully begun and all of the bureaucrats, leaders, and diplomats are inside, the doors would be locked from the outside. Then, the United States military – all branches, as we wouldn’t want anyone to miss out on the opportunity – surrounds the “wretched hive of scum and villainy,” entrapping them inside. And here’s where the fun begins!
Have you seen the famous ‘Red Wedding’ scene from Game of Thrones? Well, this would kind of be like that, but a lot less medieval. And a lot less bloody – at first. A message would be delivered over the UN’s network explaining how this new process would work: both the US withdrawal from the Legion of Doom, I mean, the United Nations, and the fate of those within the building. The structure itself, a hideous example of post-WWII architecture blighting the Manhattan skyline, would be physically destroyed, ideally via some sort of large anvil dropped from the sky (we’ll work out the details later). The ruins would be cleared, and the space filled by a dual-use park and military base – something for everyone! The park would have sculptures and activities, but we’ll get to that.
Everyone would be divided into – to use the UN’s own parlance – “working groups” to be assigned their fate. Bureaucrats would be separated from diplomats, leaders from ambassadors, and, as per the UN’s usual process, Israelis from everyone else. The Israelis would be allowed to leave freely – the UN has put them through enough already – or they could join us in righting the moral wrongs of the past eight decades. Each distinct group of UN personnel would be assigned a discrete part in the future of Turtle Bay. Of course, we would have to ensure the security of world leaders…….oh, who am I kidding? Those who dare stand against the United States would be subject to some of our national techniques of public humiliation and ritual debasement: the stocks, tarring and feathering, and reality television. Think of the ratings!
Bureaucrats, as the day-to-day workhorses of the United Nations, would reprise that role in the new system. They would be formed into chain gangs and made to clear the debris from the old UN, carry extremely heavy sandstone blocks back and forth for no discernable reason, and create an underground tunnel system where they would reside for the remainder of their natural lives. These would be perfect tasks for the bureaucrats, as they are very used to enormous messes, doing things for no discernable reason, and, as we have found out recently in Gaza, are quite familiar with massive underground tunnel networks. These bureaucrats would erect the sculptures, public installations, and playgrounds that would cover much of the former UN complex. These would include, but not be limited to: bronze statues of John Bolton, Margaret Thatcher, and Jeane Kirkpatrick; public memorials to the victims of the UN and the dictators they embrace; murals depicting various UN Secretaries-General sucking up to said autocrats; and kid’s activities like a red tape maze, a ‘Law of the Jungle’ gym, and a shoe pounding area where children can let out their aggression with squishy toy shoes on life-size mannequins of famous UN-era authoritarians. The underground living quarters will eventually turn these bureaucrats into a subhuman race of Morlocks – at least whichever ones don’t already fulfill that criteria.
The worst fate would, naturally, be reserved for the diplomats. The men and women who moronically and uselessly jibber-jabber their way through world events of great consequence deserve nothing less. As the United Nations is such a proponent of multiculturalism, we would be sure to continue that important legacy. Honoring the heritage of the indigenous peoples of the globe[1] is a common refrain in UN-world. We will carry on that inheritance after its physical destruction. To properly respect the greatest of all natives of the Americas and the first native empire to oppose the violence and racism of European colonialism, the Aztecs, we would take a page right out of their book. Diplomats would be paraded before a baying crowd, carried up the steps of the sandstone pyramid built by the bureaucrats, and ritualistically sacrificed to purify the land they so tainted. A tower made of their skulls and bones, as would only be proper to the Aztecs, would be raised to warn off others who attempted to restart this destructive internationalist institution.
Lastly, the remainder of the space used by the UN – call it an “Occupied Territory” – would be turned into a military installation, largely housing nuclear weapons and intercontinental ballistic missiles. The missile arsenal of the United States would be renamed to better reflect our new attitude towards the UN. They would be christened as Peacekeepers, Diplomats, and Special Rapporteurs; together, they would be known colloquially as the Human Rights Council. The grandest of these missiles, the Secretary-General, would be prominently displayed above-ground and permanently pointed at the UN’s secondary headquarters in Geneva, Switzerland. Just in case they try anything stupid.
This may only be a modest proposal for the future, but, man, what a wonderful future it would be.
[1] Offer does not apply to Jews.