** This is the fifth in a recurring series, in which I offer some modest proposals – in the venerable tradition of Jonathan Swift – for American and international politics. **
Panda bears: they’re cuddly, cute, sweet, and make great zoo residents. They are loved by people across the world as an adorably fluffy creature that signals friendliness and warmth. These gentle giants are the subject of numerous funny viral videos, playing off their clumsiness and largely sedentary nature. They are used as logos for various companies and institutions across the world, including the World Wildlife Fund, linking the animal to conservation efforts everywhere. Its status as an endangered species has only enhanced these credentials. Pandas are celebrated on a global scale, including in the United States. The national zoo just had a huge party for a panda’s fourth birthday, less than a year after the animal arrived from China. What’s not to love?
Well, a lot. Because panda bears aren’t just some charming stuffed animals come to life. They’re malign instruments of the world’s greatest force for evil: the Chinese Communist Party. Yes, you heard that right. The pandas are Red in tooth and claw. Oh, and they’re really stupid.
In fact, they’re so stupid that they were essentially going extinct of their own volition before the Chinese government decided to make them a cause célèbre. Pandas exclusively eat bamboo, a food that is not exactly nutrition-packed. As such, they need to eat an enormous amount of it to stay alive. That alone takes up the vast majority of their waking hours. These animals also do not have sex in large enough amounts to remain viable in the wild, even with immense protections from human interference. The population is forced to copulate to ensure a constant supply of new pandas, retaining the endangered status but remaining viable enough. And at this point, that population is maintained exclusively for the diplomatic and propaganda uses of the Chinese regime.
CCP panda diplomacy has been around for decades, going back to at least the 1950s, when Mao sent pandas to Moscow as a gift to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the Russian Revolution. China sent them to North Korea to strengthen the bilateral relationship during that period as well. The jumping-off point for panda diplomacy with Washington came just after Richard Nixon’s 1972 China visit, opening ties between the two nations for the first time since the end of the Chinese civil war decades earlier. Two pandas came to America to cement these new bonds and lived here for decades. In retrospect, the whole endeavor of a closer relationship with Communist China was a terrible decision, so we should view the panda situation similarly. Pandas aren’t even gifts of the CCP anymore; they’re loaned out for hefty sums and concessions in trade deals. They have even been used as diplomatic weapons against nations Beijing considers recalcitrant, with panda withdrawals becoming increasingly common.
These animals are used to whitewash the horrendous evils of the CCP regime, putting a happy face on a belligerent, totalitarian state. They serve as propaganda vessels for pro-China messaging, with every share of a cute panda video unwittingly forwarding that plot. The CCP knows this and embraces it. Pandas are ubiquitous in Chinese government and media messaging toward the West. They were used as one of five mascots for the 2008 Beijing Olympics and were the primary mascot for the 2022 Beijing Winter Games – a competition we should have boycotted, by the way. They are even used as an avatar of a supposedly peaceful China that desires only comity with its neighbors and the world. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. These are mere fictions intended to mollify gullible foreigners and camouflage Beijing’s malign intent.
China will not stop using these dumb animals as props to hide their malintent. But we can stop buying into the panda scam. And we should. Enough is enough. No more should we pay China to host these useless creatures in our zoos. No more should we think of pandas as cute and cuddly totems for a friendly China. No more should we buy into the CCP agitprop.
So what should we do about it? The solution is simple and, funnily enough, right up this administration’s alley: deport them all. I’m sure at least some of these pandas are here on flimsy work visas. Others surely didn’t fill out their paperwork right. None are American citizens – birthright citizenship doesn’t apply to foreign animals. These pandas are living high on the dime of the American taxpayer, even having the gall to send remittances back to their home country. None of them have renounced their Chinese loyalties and not a single one of them speaks English. Each and every panda in an American zoo has taken the place of a hard-working American bear; Black and Brown bears are often hardest hit by this job theft.
The Trump administration has already used its law enforcement powers in a broad manner and they have tools that can help here. The National Guard could be mobilized to take control of zoos across the country that are harboring these fugitives. ICE could be tasked with arresting and facilitating the deportation of each and every panda here. They have gone after South Koreans temporarily helping to stand up a massive Hyundai plant in Georgia; surely, they could find the time to round up some actual threats to national security. And our Homeland Security Secretary is just the woman for the job. She has a long and storied history of taking care of dangerous animals and probably really likes a fur coat. You can even call the deportation flights the Panda Express. Just think of all the merchandising opportunities!
Come on, Mr. President. America is counting on you to end this black-and-white-but-actually-Red scourge. Send those foreign interlopers back to where they belong. And just to sweeten the deal, feel free to apply hefty tariffs to the entire global panda industry. It is beyond time that this unfair Chinese Communist exploitation of American hearts and minds was ended. Send these pandas packing and make Beijing pay for it. Put America – and American bears – first. Our very future may be at stake.
This is a great proposal! Absolutely get rid of the ChiCom menace that are pandas.