A Modest Proposal – Olympic Edition
** This is the fourth in a recurring series, in which I offer some modest proposals – in the venerable tradition of Jonathan Swift – for American and international politics. **
The Games of the XXXIII Olympiad, also known as the Summer Olympics, are about to kick off in Paris. For the first time in several weeks, attention paid to sport may eclipse the attention paid to politics – and that is an eminently good thing. The Summer Games are taking place for the 33rd time since they were revitalized into their modern version in 1896. The only times that this quadrennial event did not occur as scheduled were during the First and Second World Wars and the recent coronavirus pandemic (Japan’s 2020 Games took place in 2021.) The Olympics bring together men and women from every corner of the world to compete in a wide variety of athletic events, ranging from gymnastics and swimming to team sports like soccer and rugby. It is an event that is intended to bring a level of international comity and fellow-feeling, while still allowing nations to battle it out in a figurative sense rather than a literal one.
This mission of peace and global unity was idealistic in 1894 when the Games were reconceptualized by the Frenchman Pierre de Coubertin, and it remains so today. The Olympics have not brought about a one world government, a lasting era of international calm, or a broad sense of peace and harmony among nations and peoples. In fact, they have often been used to settle political scores on the sporting field, extending chasms instead of bridging them. The most infamous example of this is the ‘Blood on the Water’ water polo match between Hungary and the Soviet Union in December 1956, just a month after Moscow’s brutal crackdown on Hungarian anticommunist revolutionaries. The match was obscenely violent and saw the two sides replaying Budapest street battles in the pool in Melbourne, Australia. The viciousness of that match has not been equaled since, but that does not mean that such international rivalries have cooled.
Despite this failure in achieving its primary and original goal, the Olympics have served as a beloved international sporting event that does indeed bring people together in watching the competition. In this way, it serves as a healthy vessel for nationalistic sentiment and a source of patriotic pride for people as varied as Germans and Ghanaians, Afghanis and Australians, and Cambodians and Colombians. But the Olympics could be so much better. Its flaws are significant and missed opportunities abound. We should rectify that by bringing the Olympics into a new century stronger than ever and built to last even longer than the original iteration, which ran for over a millennium from circa 776 BC to 393 AD.
In that vein, here are some modest proposals to Make the Olympics Great Again.
The Olympics is cool not because it is an international sporting competition – the World Cup is far cooler – but because it has such a glorious and storied history and a deep connection to our ancient past. It had over 1000 years of competition, bringing in contenders from across the Peloponnese and further afield, before vanishing for over 1500 years. It was resurrected during the Belle Époque, the period in which European civilization had arguably reached its apex. It is very much of a time and place in world history, and that simultaneous callback to a distant and yet not-so-distant past is interesting.
We should double down on that historical connection and memory by permanently locating the Games in Athens, where they originated and truly belong. Not only would this allow for the development of a fully purpose-built Olympic Village and tourism area, it would save other rotating host nations and cities billions of dollars spent on useless urban infrastructure projects that will be in service for the Olympics and essentially nothing else. Seriously, what use is a swimming stadium for anything other than the Olympic Games? Permanently locating in Athens would bring the Games to their ancient home, furthering the link between past and present.
Athens as a permanent host site is just the start. The ancient Hellenic aesthetic should permeate the Games themselves. Spectators and athletes – in the Opening Ceremonies, at least – should wear togas. The stadia and Olympic Village should be constructed in a neoclassical style, with a futuristic bent. There should be large-scale marble statues, villas constructed in the classical style with porticoes and frescoes, and traditional ancient baths. This timeless architecture would unite the various iterations of the Games into one cohesive whole, while honoring the local surroundings and classical Hellenic culture. The stunning white of the Olympic site would gleam in the Mediterranean sunshine, conjuring up images and iconography that transports the viewer and athlete back to the halcyon days of early human civilization.
The Greeks were the forerunners of Western modernity – and thus global civilization as it exists – something that deserves celebration. The ideas spawned on the Peloponnese made the world we live in today, and certainly drove the revitalization of the Olympics with their modern mission of international comity through sport; they should be manifest in all aspects of the Olympics, promoting liberty, individual achievement, and freedom of conscience. Other nods to history should include making the permanent marathon route the actual original one, running from the battlefield of Marathon to the Acropolis in Athens, as well as focusing the Games on things that would be more recognizable to our ancient brethren. Which brings me to my next point.
There are far too many events in the modern Olympiad. In Paris this year, there will be a whopping 329 medal events over the course of a mere 16 days. That averages to nearly 21 medal events occurring every single day, with three medals being awarded for each event (plus many more for team sports). That means there are almost 1000 Olympic medals to be awarded in 2024 alone. This absurd medal inflation makes a mockery of the accomplishment itself, denuding it of its uniqueness. We should cut out the events that are redundant, less athletic, or completely alien to the original conception of the Games. Sorry, that means no weird ball-tossing or synchronized gymnastics, no skateboarding or surfing, no badminton or table tennis, and certainly no breakdancing. There can be – and already are – other international competitions in these realms; there’s no need to force them into the Olympics.
There are also way too many medals awarded in specific realms of athletics. There’s no need for regular basketball as well as 3-on-3 basketball, for example. But the worst culprit here is swimming. There are not only medal events for various distances and relays, but also for various strokes in the pool. That is entirely unnecessary. We don’t award a medal for running backward on a track, so why would we do that for swimming? Why are there medals for different diving heights? Jumping off of a high platform into a pool is essentially the same regardless of the height from which you leap.
Cutting the fat here would be a big benefit, especially as it would open up space for some other, more popular sports to take their place. It is patently absurd that the Olympics got rid of baseball and softball but have included sport climbing and BMX freestyle. It is even more ridiculous that cricket is not an Olympic sport given its global popularity. In terms of events that would be recognizable to an ancient, we should double down on combat sports, various forms of strength testing, and racing in all forms. That means more boxing, fighting, and wrestling, as well as strongman-esque competitions and the modern equivalent of chariot racing: auto racing. These would be popular for spectators, as well as honoring the original spirit of the Games and all they entailed. To appease modern sensibilities though, there would be no fighting to the death, nor would there be any animal combat.
Modern sensibilities indeed do matter given that we live in 2024, so there should be some measures taken to appeal to today’s audience. The biggest one would be to take advantage of one of the most interesting and eye-catching aspects of the Games: the Olympic Village. First, the Village would be permanent and include all the modern amenities that high-level athletes have come to expect from training centers. No more sleeping on slightly-nicer cardboard boxes or temporary cots. No more terrible heat with poor air conditioning. No more mediocre food. These are the best athletes the world has to offer. They should be treated as such.
The Olympic Village is also well-known for its after-hours pursuits. Drinking, debauchery, and fraternization is commonplace, especially after athletes complete their events and can unwind and celebrate with their fellow competitors. There’s a good reason that Olympic authorities hand out upwards of 300,000 condoms to participants; the Village is full of attractive, single athletes from nations across the globe. In fact, it almost seems perfectly tailored to another one of modernity’s favorite pastimes: the reality show. And what a show it would be! Cameras in the Olympic Village, following all the ups and downs of athletic life, would make for incredible TV, akin to a mix between Big Brother, Hard Knocks, and Love Island. And it would probably reach more viewers than synchronized swimming.
Two other changes would open the Olympiad up to more interesting and competitive outcomes. First, athletes should be highly compensated for their victories. The prize pot for medalists should be large enough to entice the world’s greatest athletes to compete. A few extra million spent on an event watched by the entire planet is chump change. It would make the Olympics a more attractive venue for the professional athletes who often, understandably so, choose rest or their club seasons over international competition. If the Olympiad is truly to reach its ancient heights, it needs those top-tier competitors. And a large cash prize is certainly one way to attract them.
Finally, we should make the overall national medal table mean something. As of now, it is simply for bragging rights, but the potential is so much higher. Top medal-winning nations should earn international privileges, from automatic qualification for events in the next Olympiad to the ability to keep the Olympic flame lit for the ensuing four-year interval. Making the torch itself into something of a Stanley Cup-like trophy would bring national pride to those who are able to hold it, as well as bringing a new level of excitement to the buildup for the Games. The Opening Ceremony would be planned and led not by Greece, the permanent host nation, but by the previous Olympiad’s top medalist nation. That would allow for some of the international flair that is currently shown via rotating host cities, but would also remove the problems such a rotation causes.
The Summer Olympics are a fun diversion every four years, but they can be made so much better, bringing back their ancient glory and popularity. If we embrace these modest proposals, we can Make the Olympics Great Again.