A Modest Proposal – Old Politicians Edition
** This is the second in a recurring series, in which I offer some modest proposals – in the venerable tradition of Jonathan Swift – for American and international politics. **
America’s political class has one defining feature: its age. Political elites, particularly at the federal level, are almost uniformly ancient. The average age in the United States is just under 40 years old, with the average voter clocking in at 50 years old; in contrast, the average age for House members is 58 and for senators 65. There is a supermajority of senators older than 60. The two most influential congressional politicos of the recent past, Mitch McConnell and Nancy Pelosi, are both octogenarians. Baby Boomers and their elders rule the roost, comprising a full 49.4% of the House and a whopping 74% of the Senate. They also dominate the presidency and major party nominations thereto. Every president since Bill Clinton has been a Baby Boomer or older, as have all the people they have defeated. Donald Trump, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, and Mitt Romney were all born between 1946 and 1947! (Joe Biden, Al Gore, and John Kerry also are children of the 40s.) These people are old. As such, they suffer from the normal problems of old age.
Health issues abound. There are strokes, heart attacks, cancers, unexplained freezes, and more. Political figures seem to die in office at an almost-19th-century clip. The aforementioned Mitch McConnell had polio, a disease fully eradicated in the United States before the Reagan administration, as a child. For today’s largest population cohort, Millennials, that is about as alien to their experience as the Spanish Flu, cholera, or the Black Death. There might be more Life Alert pendants on the floor of the Senate than there are American flag lapel pins. Colonoscopy scheduling errors could lead to failing to achieve a quorum. Senility is not uncommon. The late California senator Dianne Feinstein was entirely mentally incompetent by the time of her death at age 90, while other politicos have faced repeated gaffes caused by aging brains.
The two main candidates for the 2024 presidential election, President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump, both have significant age-related issues. The errors and embarrassing mistakes have come up again and again during this campaign season. Donald Trump confused Nikki Haley for Nancy Pelosi. Joe Biden seems to think he won his first presidential campaign in 1988 instead of his last in 2020, confusing France’s Emmanuel Macron for François Mitterand and Germany’s Angela Merkel for Helmut Kohl. This is just the tip of the iceberg, however.
In a new special counsel report on Biden’s mishandling of classified documents, the president is described as a “well-meaning, elderly man with a poor memory,” who failed to recall the dates of important events like his own vice-presidency and the death of his son. In a press conference called to debunk these assertions, Biden looked more like Abe Simpson than Abe Lincoln. He verbally stumbled around in a belligerent haze and, in a wonderful undermining of his own message, confused the leader of Egypt for the leader of Mexico. (Perhaps that’s why the administration’s policies on the border and Israel are so messed up.)
None of this is necessary. America doesn’t have to submit to gerontocracy. We can choose better, but we need a roadmap. If that’s the case, consider me Rand McNally.
Those of us non-ancient Americans can advocate for several key changes to law and policy to ensure that we are no longer ruled by a political elite whose favorite candy is Werther’s Originals. Some of these would test the physical and mental fitness of candidates to high office, while others would be qualification criteria that all federal officers must meet. Simple age limits would not suffice, especially in an era where race, gender, and age seem quite fungible. Instead, we must be a bit more creative in our process, using metrics that aren’t exactly age, but serve as a pretty good barometer for it. In light of that idea, here are a few potential criteria by which to disqualify someone from elected federal office:
If you deposit regular Social Security checks
If you are a member of the AARP
If you were in your 20s when we first landed on the Moon
If you used to walk 15 miles to school, uphill both ways
If you remember the launching of Sputnik
If you, at any point, waved an American flag with 48 stars
If you started school before Brown v. Board of Education
If you are a regular beneficiary of the Early Bird Special
If you were too old to be drafted for the Vietnam War
If you were a teenager when JFK was assassinated
If you learned to drive before seat belts were mandated
If you cast a vote in the 1968 presidential election
If there were only 21 Amendments to the Constitution when you were born
Some elderly politicians may somehow slip through the cracks of these criteria, so we will need other means to find them ineligible for federal office. In that vein, here are some suggestions to test the capacity of our elected officials:
Make all candidates for office participate in a memory and recall challenge, where they have to memorize sequences and repeat them after some time has passed. These tasks will be televised live to ensure wide publicity and generate entertainment value. Each political figure will compete against a mystery opponent and must best them in the challenge to remain eligible for office. Possible competitors include 3rd grade students, border collies, brain-damaged former boxers, and magpies.
Force candidates to successfully cancel one of their own magazine subscriptions on the internet without subscribing to a dozen more magazines. Clearly, anyone who would be too old to hold power has at least one existing magazine subscription. If they are subscribed to Readers Digest, they are automatically ruled ineligible without having to complete the test.
Have every candidate set up a PlayStation 5, install Skyrim, start a new game, and successfully create a character. If the candidate uses a default character, he fails the challenge. If, at any point, he remarks that video games have come a long way since his kids played in the arcade, he is disqualified.
Compel each candidate to navigate a basic obstacle course in a set period of time. The course will be set up like a maze and include inclines, stairs, and slippery bits. Simple puzzles, like placing shapes into the correctly-shaped hole or untangling knotted headphone wires, will be required to pass other areas. If the candidate fails any of these tasks or cannot complete the course before a wall of paint dries, they will be declared unfit for office.
Oblige every candidate to deal with various internet and phone scammers and emerge with their finances intact. Calls and phishing emails from a variety of sources would pour in over the course of the campaign; if a candidate loses any money to these scams, they will be disqualified. Funding for these scam tests can be disbursed from the foreign aid budget, as it would largely be going to Nigeria anyways.
Currently sitting ancient politicos won’t be able to be forced out of office by these rules, but we can surely make their (statistically brief) lives more uncomfortable. Perhaps they will simply have enough of the hassle and go buy a farm somewhere, leaving the governance to slightly springier chickens.
For one, we should mandate that all official congressional business must be conducted after sunset. If a politician falls asleep, they will be shocked with a collar around their neck. This will have the added benefit of restarting the hearts of those politicians who have not fallen asleep, but died in their chairs. Another option that should be considered is altering the menu in the congressional cafeteria to include only food that is very hard to chew. Overcooked meats, chewy candies, corn on the cob, and hard tack biscuits are potential choices here. This should also reduce the amount taxpayers spend on food for our elected officials. One more possibility would be related to temperature. The Congress and the White House should perpetually be maintained at a crisp 68° Fahrenheit and politicians therein should only be allowed one outer layer of clothes (not including undergarments). This should render any elderly politician far too uncomfortable to participate in the process of government.
If we work assiduously to implement these modest proposals, we may yet be able to avoid the fate which seems to await us today: a literal cadaver president. Either that, or White House staffers are going to have to rewatch Weekend at Bernie’s and brush up on their puppetry skills.